Searching for the Better Me

My self-confidence had been burdened by my physicality my whole life. At 200+ pounds I felt I never would be happy, loved, pretty, or healthy. Learning to be comfortable in my own body gave me a thicker (and simultaneously thinner) skin. I am learning to deal with my emotions in more constructive ways, and actually do something for myself and my future.

I'm starting to let go of what I thought others were thinking about me, confronting my own insecurities, loving myself more truly than I ever had before, and seeing the real me is somewhere beneath all that excess weighty and emotional baggage.

The mindset change came first. I realized I wasn't happy, I wasn't loving myself, and I was worth more than I was offering myself. Then I turned the situation around.

It had to happen in that order. I'm proud it did, and ready to keep going.

Monday 22 August 2011

My journey so far...

I am 5'6". I have been since age 12, and I don't think I'm shooting skyward anytime soon.
I tipped the scales at 210 pounds post a broken leg my senior year of high school. Only about 5-10 of those pounds can be attributed to the inactive time, however. When I started my freshman year of college in the fall of 2010, I weighed 202 lbs. I'm proud to say I dealt with the transition fairly well, and found that I could lose weight. At the end of the first semester I was 185. At the end of my second semester, 172. That's about 15 pounds per semester. Negative fifteen pounds each semester. I didn't gain that dreaded freshman fifteen.
I was nervous to go home for the summer. I like it at home much better than school--to an extent anyway--mainly because of family and my best friends. I struggled to be personally happy at school...probably because when I wasn't in class, doing homework, or sleeping, I was working out. That's an exaggeration...I work hard, but I'm not compulsive. I lost my weight the healthy way. At home I lose my self control. I could veg on the couch and eat while I watch TV all day. I didn't want to go backwards.

My parents got a family pass to the YMCA, and I worked out regularly...though not as regularly as I do at school. I quickly realized that I can do it at home, though I maintain rather than lose weight because it is easy for me to eat everything in sight...

I've learned that the reason I can lose weight at school is because it is all I've ever known about life in this environment. My home environment has never been one where I am conscious of my habits--just my feelings. Where I am now is the appropriate environment for me to be healthy. It's strange, but it's a psychological barrier that I need to overcome and just be health-conscious all around.
In short, I now weigh 166.0 pounds! At my height, that's almost average. I was once obese! I am happier, more confident, and healthier than I have ever remembered being. I haven't weighed what I weigh since 8th grade! It is unbelievable. I don't remember ever wearing a size 11 or medium tops fitting appropriately loosely. I haven't been this thin since my mom bought my clothes and just knew what sizes to buy me. I haven't been this thin since a time I didn't need to care what size my clothes were. It's unbelievable, baffling, stimulating, and motivating all at once.
I am going to throw myself the biggest personal party when the scale reads 150. That is my current goal. Ultimately I'd like to reach 135 to say I did it. And to be happy, anywhere between 135-145 is fine with me. 

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